My t has been trying to help find a method to help me with cptsd. I am a horribly hard patient, I know that and I have gotten kinda freaked out at the therapy methods he has wanted to try so yesterday he said he wanted to add Gestalt and we talked about my inability to connect to emotions beyond being sad. He asked a lot of questions about what I think of others and myself. I know I have a huge self-esteem issues and I DON"T trust or let people know how I feel.

I said I would never text him, but I have found that I periodically do. Today I had a home emergency that triggered multiple issues for me AND blocked my meds in my home so I couldn't get to it.

I freaked out and text him what was going on and that I was panicking. He completely ignored my freak out and what was happening and just said to go to a pharmacist and ask for some emergency meds to just get me to a doc for refill.

The freaking and stuff surrounding the mess got worse and I replied to his text that I was trying so hard to hold it together but was 'terrified' to go back into my home and especially sleep there and then about the guys that had showed up(men are part of my freak outs)...... The biggest thing is I decided to try to trust something might be different then my very few attempts in the past to state a feeling to someone and I finished the text by saying "I am scared". He never even replied. I feel like I have died inside. I tried it(I haven't said those words in around 20+ years and he KNOWS how hard it is for me). I don't want to be... I don't want to think.... I have tried 3 Xanax and it wont numb it. All his words were lies. I want to vanish from life.