So I think because I grew up being emotionally abused by my father and had a horrible role model for a mother who's insecure and needy and put up with abuse from him as well, and then spent the rest of my life being attracted to the same kind of men who ended up making me feel bad about myself and rejecting me, and also feeling rejected by friends throughout my life, I worry how I'm going to ever have a healthy relationship with anyone. The more I get rejected by both men and friends, the more needy and insecure I feel. I'm doing things I know I shouldn't do in a desperate attempt to hang onto people, and that makes me feel even worse about myself.

I know I need to break away from the dysfunctional friendships I have right now and a one sided friendship with a guy who I'm still trying to hang onto, but if I cut them all out, I'll have no friends left. And I'm afraid to try and make new friends because I don't want to act needy with them and repeat the same cycle. But I'm so lonely and just want to feel like I matter to someone. If you've never had anyone in your life show you that you matter or that you deserve to be treated better, how can you believe that you really do deserve to be treated better?