Your story is so awful. I am sorry for what you've been through. I have not suffered nearly as much, but I know what you mean by returning to being a scared little girl when you're triggered by reminders, especially by large ones such as anniversaries.

I love your screen name, by the way. It sounds like "justice" is what you've taken from what happened to you, that you haven't repeated the cycle and that you've done things to protect others from abuse and helped others in ways others should have helped you. That's a remarkable thing and a sign of strength. Not everyone could do that.

Do you think it would ever be possible to leave Utah? I know it wouldn't be easy for me just to pack up where I am, but it sounds so horrible for you. I know that you are also unwell. But is it possible to begin working on a long-term goal to leave that you could chip away at little by little? Maybe that could give you some hope.

But for now, I'll send you my deepest understanding and thoughts.