Hi.

When I moved, 2-3 years ago, I became very quiet and withdrawn with no urge to speak or be sociable. My grades also plummeted in school because I found I could not put forth any effort despite having done the homework and projects.

During this time I had seen a counselor because I had been in states of feeling absolutely nothing and I was concerned. She told me it was fight or flight and I had thought I was in a perpetual fight or flight.

However, this year I feel I got better. And improved past the mark. Feeling like I did was miserable for those few years and I now get that it wasn't exactly normal... I think it was because I started interacting with people more. There were students in my school that kept talking to me and I think they did me a world of good, for now I feel much better and real than before. Except instead of feeling miserable I feel horribly insecure and more affected by what's said of me and to me.

And I keep talking. About everything. Other people, myself (rather arrogantly - despite believing none of it) and I cannot take anything seriously and joke constantly. I feel even worse about myself when I realize how much I talk about others poorly ( I didn't care much for my self image before, but now I'm basically bashing myself all the time with self hatred sometimes).

Sometimes if I stop talking though, I feel like I'm relapsing to before. Some qualities of myself then I liked, like being able to stay quiet and not really mind my self image or anything. And some qualities of now I like, like my occasional ability to be social and actually step out and be enthusiastic and eccentric sometimes (however only occasionally do I like this, other times it will cause more self loathing) but if there's anything I don't want, it's the feeling I got from before.

But I also hate the self loathing from talking too much and being insecure. and the constant joking leads me to get in trouble... Because people can't tell.

And I can only have one or the other at this moment. Is there anything I can do to help balance these two? I'm not diagnosed and they aren't like within days. This is a yearly difference but I don't want to feel either way.

Any help??