My Support Forums - View Single Post - Sex clubs. Yeah, this has the potential to be triggering.

ShaggyChic_1201 · Jun 07, 2015, 08:52 PM

I'm writing this in as non-triggering a way as possible, but it is all about sex. These things happened from 2003-08 and I'm divorced now, but I am still struggling to sort this out.

Before getting married, I disclosed to my husband that I had been sexually abused. Within 3 months, I found out he had lots of sexual wants and needs and 75% of them were kinky.

First he wanted me to go with him to a strip club. I didn't want to go. He was relentless. Accused me of being a bad wife. That I owed him whatever he wanted b/c I was married. He brought it up all the time, and lots of times when I was at work in my cube so I couldn't really say anything. Finally I went. I hated it but he LOVED it. He bought me a lap dance, which was humiliating. I was mortified and wanted to be anywhere else. He started dragging me to strip joints every weekend, hoping I'd get to know the girls and bring one home. After a few months, the strip club wasn't enough for him.

He started going online and finding out about sex clubs and parties. I wanted nothing to do with this. I'm a good girl - y'know, the teacher's pet type. I try not to make waves, avoid confrontation and keep my head down.

To shorten the story, he used the same relentlessness and shaming to convince me to go. I cried every Fri and Sat and pleaded not to go. He didn't care, and on many occasions, he demanded I drink or take xanax so I'd be "in the mood to party."

Possible trigger:

The 45 min drive to the club was tense and we fought the whole way there. Once inside, he kept the booze flowing. I drank it. Between it and my fantastic ability to dissasociate, I am spared remembering all the details. But I remember enough. Mostly I remember being so ashamed I wanted to die. I also remember enjoying being on the dance floor. I remember having sex with my ex-H in public, with people clapping and sayinig they wanted to go next. I don't remember anyone going next.

I remember him trying to set me up with many women, where the 2 husbands would watch. I remember being in at least one hotel room with one such couple. And being in people's houses and dungeons that looked like dante's inferno.

The fact that I enjoyed dancing and I went for so many times is what kills me now. There are no words for how I feel about myself. For allowing him to do this. For ignoring everything I believe in. It is the thing that no one but him and my T know about me. In a 1000 years, you'd never think I did that.

I'm not sure how I found the resolve to stop going. I was so beaten down that no booze or drugs could get me "in the party mood" anymore. For a while, he drug me there like a corpse. Eventually, I just refused to go. His verbal abuse was nothing compared to what I was telling myself at that point. I didn't care about it anymore. He continued to ask me to go for the remaining 5 years of our marriage, but I never did.

But lately I've been dreaming about the clubs. Dreaming that I was having sex in public and enjoying the attention of being a good dancer. it again makes me wonder what kind of person I am. Maybe I am just a slut.