Hello, everyone!!! My name is Christian, I'm 26, & I just wanted to reach out to you lovely people who might know a thing or two about bipolar disorder & depression, as I have been suffering from both for a long time now, & it's really f***ing up my life. I know maybe some of you can relate to me, all my friends I have now just look at me like I'm some sort of freak when I talk about what has happened to me in the past & what is going on now. So I know you guys might be more understanding!! Anyways I'll start with some backstory. :-)

When I was a teenager, I would always get so so so depressed & just attend school & then come home and be alone all day. It was horrible! I was put on zoloft at age 15 because I begged my mom to take me to see a psychiatrist, I didn't know what was wrong with me but I felt so incompetent, a failure, I didn't deserve to have friends, and I had no idea why. Well, a few years later when I turned 18, I experienced my first manic episode and was diagnosed with bipolar 1. But for some reason they did not put me on a mood stabilizer, just abilify & wellbrutrin. People would tell me I was nuts all day long & I wouldn't think twice about it, I even went through psychosis and had all these delusions that I even shared with others... Looking back at all of it is just so embarrassing to even think about. I went to community college after HS graduation, and ended up doing just fine and graduating with a Liberal Arts AA degree. I was also working part time at a gas station then, and excelling & loving the feeling that I could accomplish things like a job and be a productive member of society. Flash forward to fall of 2012, I am 23 and working as a bank teller. I had no idea that the worst time of my life was right around the corner. I was really good at that job, loved all my coworkers & my tasks, but one week somehow the mania that i thought would never occur again creeped back up & I ended up handing my bank keys to my boss and telling everyone to go f**k themselves. I felt like I was too good for that job, too good for the world almost I was so manic, and walked out. A day later I was committed to the psych ward & thought it was like some FBI building until I realized where I was the 2nd day. I was in the lock up section because apparently I freaked out when I realized I was in a locked facility. after being manic for the entire stay and learning the "right" things to say to the doctors, I got out after a two week stay. Managed to wreck my car completely sober, spend insane amounts of money on **** I didn't need, and ended up so manic that everything hit the fan. I was only on seroquel at this time. Somehow i ended up on the roof of a 3 story building, called 911 on myself because I didn't know where or what was going on, and somehow ended up off the building and landed on cement 3 stories down. i broke my back, my femur, my hip, and shattered my entire foot. after multiple operations and titanium rods & plates, I can tell u that i have not been manic for over 2 years thanks to Lithium.

My issue & the reason why I'm posting here is to see if you guys have some advice about my crazy embarrassing unfortunate employment issue. So about 2 years ago when I was able to walk without crutches again, I got a job. I stayed for a few days and then I would get this anxious feeling, and thoughts of "Im not good enough, Im probably just gonna fail" and ended up quitting. Repeat this about 15 times up until today's date.. at various types of jobs, sit down processing good paying jobs, really good customer service jobs, every type of job ever and the longest i stayed at one was 4 weeks but the average was probably a few days & I would just not show up. And i regret it instantly & beat myself up for it in my head all day long and just wish i had more energy & a more positive attitude to be able to keep a JOB. Its horrible! I still live with my parents & feel really bad & like a total loser all the time when I cant keep these jobs because normally I'll just wake up before a shift & be so tired & depressed that I just want to go back to bed even though I know the consequences, its like nothing matters to me, i just for some reason cant deal. On Thursday I have an interview for a night auditor position at a hotel, which i think will be great for me if I get it because Im a night owl & so im up around that time anyway, and whenever i make these decisions to quit its always in the early morning when Im not in the right state of mind. Do any of you have trouble staying at jobs? Do you think I suffer from slight depression since I cant get out of bed half the time? The lithium works I just feel sluggish and "blah" half the time. Please comment anything you'd like about any tips you can give me to keep a job. I even write notes to myself at night & tape them to my alarm clock in hopes that that will remind me WHY i cant just stay asleep and need to get up, however last week I forgot and of course sleep through my 3rd day at a super nice place that even paid well.

Thats my story haha Thanks again yall!! :-)

Christian