It never mattered what I did to my father. I could drop a fork on the floor by accident and he'd yell at me saying how stupid I was for letting the fork drop on the floor. Anything set him off and he'd be on a screaming rampage for hours. My parents never told me they loved me or were proud of me.

I guess I have to disagree about where your self esteem can come from because all you know as a child is your parents. How they treat you from a young age does shape how you feel about yourself. If it was that easy to give ourselves self esteem, there would be no need for therapists and everyone would be healthy and happy.

If I could cut ties with my parents and never be around that environment, I could probably heal better, but because I have to see them every week and still deal with my dad's abuse and watch him abuse my mom and not be able to say anything, it's like I get triggered all over again every week. I could be feeling good about myself and then 1 hour with my parents and I feel bad all over again.

It's also not just my dad. I've been let down by most men I've come across in my life.