It's a holiday weekend here in Canada. It's a toss up as to what's open/closed today and tomorrow. My family is gone for the weekend so i can't call them (just for light talk, no support there anyway). My friends, all two of them, just moved and don't have a phone or anything and it's far across town. i am terribly lonely. My T has the long weekend and is booked the rest of the week. My regular day fell on the holiday and we hadn't booked that far ahead. i'm on a wait list.

i'm restless and sad. My life is pathetic. Well, actually, i have no life. Left to my own devices i don't do anything. i haven't got hobbies or interests or anything like that. If you ask what i like to do, i haven't got an answer. i sit online b/c i haven't got anything else. i don't go anywhere when i am not working. What kind of life is that? It's empty and without direction or joy.

i'd better not focus on that... it will lead to suicidal thoughts. i mean why live right?

My T and i had such a powerful session before he left... and now it's melted away. i am afraid. i said too much. i have ruined everything. i needed to reaffirm with him soon after that session and i can't. i know i have made him angry, and i know i challenge him too much. i am always changing my mind and making life hard for him. i know i said way too much too soon. i am sure i have ruined it all. i don't know just what i will say to him when he calls on wednesday... which he said he would. i think i will take an extra shift at work so i won't be here.

sad