So after doing some reading online this morning, I think another big problem I have from childhood, which is still affecting me as an adult, is that I was emotionally neglected by my parents. I only have one sibling, a brother, a year and a half older. He started drinking at the age of 9 (we had a bar in our basement growing up) and started doing drugs in junior high. He spent his entire teenage and college years and adult years in and out of jail, getting fired from every job, stealing from my parents, etc. My parents spent the majority of my childhood into my 20's literally ignoring me because they were so focused on bailing my brother out of jail or dealing with him in general.

I've always compared myself to that psychology experiment with the monkees who had the wire mother and the cloth mother. I've always felt disconnected and had a hard time just talking to people, and I think it's because I wasn't taught how to show emotions growing up, and when I did show them, I was put down for having them. I was always criticized for being overly sensitive. My parents made it very clear that I wasn't important enough to care about, that my brother's problems would always come first. So in addition to having low self esteem from being verbally abused, I also never felt loved or that I even mattered to my family. I think this has stuck with me, especially since even now my parents still show me thru their actions that I don't matter to them. I think as much as you try and give yourself the love that you need, no one ever completely gets over feeling like their parents didn't love them.

I've ordered a couple books on amazon this morning relating to overcoming this issue and just healing in general for adults who lived in dysfunctional families. I'm hoping this will help me until I can afford professional therapy.