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chocaholic
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Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Dallas
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Default Jun 08, 2015 at 12:04 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HisPresence View Post
Sorry, VERY LONG post ahead...

I have a husband that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't talk back to me. I wish sometimes he would stop let me have things my way. And for once let himself have things HIS ways instead.

When he wanted marriage. He knows my mother disapproved him because he is not Chinese, so he doesn't want to cause more strain between me and my mother.
Every couple days be would brought up the marriage topic. He said he wants to get married and if I want it too, we can get married. His whenever I'm ready, he just waitng on me.
I didn't answer him, I drag it on for couple months; and every couple days she would asked and asked again and gain. He pretty much throw the ball at my court and let me decidecd when I'm ready to get married.

He didn't get down on his knee when he wants to propose for marriage, but... he doesn't mind kneel down on one of his knee if that make me feel better about my height.
I'm 4'11, he is 6'1 so we have 14 inches difference in height. When we have serious talk, we can't stand next to each others and talk. I am ridiculously short next to him, so I always have to look up to his face.
I would complain and make comments like: "Your so tall, I have to look up in order to look at your eyes."
Then he would kneel down on one of his knee, so I don't have to look up to him when I talk. I know he doing this only to make me feel better about my height.

I'm good at cook Chinese food. I have no problem cooking him different Chinese dishes everyday for him to eat the whole month. I can cook American food too, but I know he likes to eat his culture food, 'Soul Food".
So I learn it from my mother in-law, I also buy 'Soul Food' books so I can learn more on how to cook his cultural dishes. I ask him, what do he likes to eat, give me a list and I will cook for him.
And he answered, he eat anything that his wife cook. Pretty much he said, it doesn't matter what type of dishes I cook, as long as I cook it, he's happy to eat it.

He works 2 jobs so his income is more than mine. He always offer to pay more on Rent/Bills because he makes more income. But I said No, I said I want to be fair, because we both bring in income. I also work, I have my own source of income.
I said I want to take turn pay Rent, and we split Bills to help each others. This month I pay rent, next month he pay rent. Grocery is this time I pay, next time he pay, etc...
I give him the look like he's not listening to his wife. He said alright, he let me have it my way as I insist. But he said that when he die he going to leave all his money to me anyway, this he said I have no choice, lol

We live in a cheap rent bad area neighborhood right now. Because of the cheap rent, the environment here is not good at all. We both agree that we will not raise a new born baby here.
Since we both poor, so we plan to buy a Foreclosure house or a small house. Buy a Foreclosure house is cheaper, we can get out of this bad neighborhood faster.
All our lives we both are Debt-Free, so I told my husband that I aim at 50% house down-payment, so we have less mortage and pay off our mortgage faster.
He doesn't even talk back to me. He said 'Alright, anything you want', himself he went to find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill what I aim at.

He did promise that after I became his wife, he will listen to what I say. And the first thing I say is I aim at 50% house down-payment. He said as a husband he will make it happen for me, even if that means he have to work 3 jobs; to faster achieve my goal.
But I said No! I do not let him work 3 jobs, because I don't think we can have time with each others if he work that much.

Fortunately, his 2nd job is just temporary for one year. Until next year when we buy a small foreclosure house he will be back working 1 job, it a better time to TTC
Right now everyday he work 12-14 hours including weekend. His local Truck driving job can be mentally tired; his mind always have to concentrate while driving on the road.
His Warehouse job sure is physically tired, because all he do is loading/Unloading, stacking, lifting, carrying heavy stuff all day.

He said if he stress from from work, he will sit in his car to think. He will not bring stress of work to home, he leave it outside as soon as he get out of the car.
Never once he complain a word to me about working 2 jobs. I'm sure his Warehouse job give him body ache and he is tired by the end of the day, but he never complain that he's tired or demand me for a massage.

He is very responsible with money, his whole life he is Debt-free and he is not a big spender at all.
He said he likes to work so he have no complain. He said he work hard so we can have enough money to buy a house, to save money for us and our baby future, and to save money for rainy days.
To him work is survival, work is to secure the future. He have an obsession with saving money, he make sure every month he puts in money in saving account just in case of rainy days.

okay, those are just few little examples. Eversince we dating till marriage, he always let me have things my way so I can be happy. I wish for once he would let himself have things his ways instead. But he doesn't change, he still the same guy that I know 4 years ago, perhaps this is the way he is? Perhaps I should just learn to adapt to this because that is who he is?
Never once he raise his voice on me, let alone start argument with me. Sometimes I do want him to talk to me in the louder voice, and tell me what he wants, but he just doesn't do it. Is my husband NORMAL? How to fix this? How to get him to tell me what HE WANTS?

Who here find it to be a TURN OFF when a husband always let the wife have things her ways?

-------------------------------------------------------

How to get him to be assertive and tell me what HE WANTS, instead of always what I want.
He doesn't tell me what he wants, how about HIS needs? What do HE wants? Well, he tell me that he wants a baby to complete our family. But beside that, I want him to tell me more on what he wants.
With the way he is, I'm not sure if he ready to be a dad. He will just overly spoil his children and give them everything they want.

If you make it through this far, from the post you see he always like that, and it irritate me. Because man suppose to know what he wants right? He should have complain, he should be assertive, he should raise his voice on me if needed.
But never once he raise his voice on me, let alone argue with me.

I told him that if a couple doesn't argue at all, that means one is not fully happy. Because one have to hold back to try to make the other happy. And he anwered me that he's happy, and he doesn't see any problem in our marriage.

He will be working 2 jobs until next year. Next year when we have enough money for a small house down-payment, then he be back working 1 job.
We do try to spend time together as much as we can. He phone me every time he on break from work.
Even when he come home late from work, we spend all the hours together until he sleeps.

We do try to communicate, when we in bed together, we talk alot. He tell me about his day at work, he talks about everything,. We talk about random daily things, and we both laugh, we jokes, we giggles.
He tell me about his work schedules, what he be doing tomorrow, where he be going tomorrow, etc...

I don't think we have communication problem, everyday we talk alot with each others about everrything. Perhaps we have communication problem but we don't realize yet?

I think he sounds like a really good start on a happy life.

I have to disagree with the advice to pool all of your money. Every married woman should have her own bank account and savings account. The husband may die and the money be tied up in probate, for instance. But you SHOULD contribute equally to a joint account and then sit down together to decide how the money is to be spent. If either of you wants to add more to the joint account, that is fine, but it then becomes both of yours and cannot be separated back out.

Find a time to sit down with him when you are both not exhausted and explain that you want to make him happy as much as he wants to make you happy. Develop a list of individual goals and share them, then put together a combined list of the COUPLE'S goals.

Lay some ground rules about communication. 'Never go to bed angry' might be one of them.It helps to prioritize them as well. What is most important to you NOW. The reason to do that is because people change over time. When that first baby arrives, the priorities for both of you will change, for instance.

But here is a caution - don't try to change your man. He must change himself and, to quote an old, old piece of advice, "If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it." Adapt and enjoy the love.

Best of luck to both of you!!


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