The somewhat short story of my eating disorder…

At the peak of my anorexia I was 5’7” and averaged about 104 lbs, although at one point in time I weighed in at just 98 lbs. My body hurt constantly—there was no way I could get comfortable—every joint in my body screamed with pain. What scared me the most was that I started having flutters in my chest—I had developed an irregular heartbeat. I often wonder what the long term effects of this disorder is going to have on my health.

I was severely abused as a child and food was often withheld as a form of punishment or the adults in my life just did not feel like feeding me. The message I received as a child was that I was a dirty little worthless wh###. I was also sexually abused and this caused an immense amount of shame revolving around my body and how I felt about myself. My anorexia was not centered around just trying to be thin—I used starvation as a form of self punishment. I hated myself. Most of the time I did not feel worthy of eating—I did not deserve to eat because I was such a horrible person. The more self hatred I felt, the less I allowed myself to eat.

My eating patterns changed when I started dating a bulimic who taught me the wonders of binging and purging. As my bulimia grew, I started gaining weight because I spent less time starving myself and more time binging. Somehow, food started becoming an escape. Instead of punishing myself for being such a vile person, I covered those feelings up with food. The immense guilt I felt after binging often led to me vomiting, but not all the time. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia for many years—I yo-yoed on the weight scale.

A year and 1/2 ago I weighed over 170 lbs and was miserable. I was depressed, suicidal and had developed into a raging alcoholic. Therapy has been tough—I had to address, the alcoholism, eating disorder and all the self hatred. One of my goals in therapy has been to accept myself just the way I am—continue to try to improve, but accept who I am at the moment. Someday, I hope to even feel a little love for myself.

I have been on a healthy diet and have almost eliminated the binging. I still occasional binge and I still occasionally punish myself with starvation, but it does not happen very often. When those slips happen, I immediately talk about it in therapy and examine what my feelings are and what led up to the slip. I have been steady at 144 lbs for about a year. That is a good healthy weight for my body. Sure, there are days I would like to be thinner—there are days I feel fat no matter what shirt I wear, but overall I am okay with myself. And sometimes, okay is just good enough…especially since I have the hope that things will continue to improve.