OMG! I've had so many tramas occur when I was younger that I was told about when I was older that I can't even recall. I remember fragments of a couple, but nothing compared to what was described to me in my later years.

I have been in counseling since my mother's first divorce when I was 11 - after that my behavior grew increasingly violent; filled with anger, depression, manic episodes and crashes of depression. I believe I may have attempted suicide in the back of my mind (attempting this at the same age when taking half a bottle of my grandmother's prescription sleeping pills-telling myself because I wasn't falling asleep fast enough or "they were not working").

Being 36 now I still have terrible cycling, though it rests primarily in the down stage at the current time. I'm wondering if these feelings are stemmed from hidden memories of abuse that though I cannot conciously remember though they I know they are still present and effecting my emotional state.

I have contacted three psychiatrists to speak to, I have been put on four medications since my diagnosis in 2000 and they seemed to regulate my moods and scattered thoughts a bit, but unfortunately in June of 2006 I went on the kick of "I feel better so I am better" and quit taking them. I have now sunk into a terrible state of depression that has worried my friends and family, so I kicked myself in the ***** and researched a new counselor.

Aside from totally getting off the subject (sorry!) I believe though the disorder in question is primarily a chemical one, I think past incidents do have a major effect on their cycling. I find when I'm happy or something makes me happy I go majorly overboard. When something saddens me or goes wrong I go through the basement and feel that the world has betrayed me and I'm worthless.

Who knows, I know I'm ranting and I'm sorry. I'm just relieved that there are people out there who will admit these problems exist and they're not all "personality disorders"!!

Have a great holiday people!!