131 days today.

Go me, right?

How come I feel like I'm doomed to screw up.

Bad urges these past two weeks or so. Not sure why, just triggers and junk happening in real life that I guess I'm not dealing with as well as I should be.

Not for everyone, but my friend for the past few days has had me under verbal contracts with him to not SI, actually to not do anything that could be harmful or would constitute "not taking care of myself". So no drinking unless I'm with people, have to eat at least one meal, not allowed to have intentional "accidents" that result in harm and no risk-taking and definetely no SI.

I'll admit it, the boy's got a heckuva memory for things... he eliminated all the loopholes.

And because Christina is a good girl and I knew it was in my best interest... I agreed to it. Twice. Once on Friday night that lasted until Saturday, and one on Saturday that goes until tomorrow (Monday at 4pm to be precise hehe)

It doesnt really help though.

Here I am thinking that as soon as tomorrow comes at 4pm, that I'm going to do it. That's bad isn't it. It doesn't stop the bad thoughts or the desire, it just stops the action. I won't do it if it hurts anyone, least of all him for trying to be a good friend.

... I think I'm talking too much, sorry. Waste of time, space and energy I am. Seems to be my entire existence.

Damn, I want to cut right now. Today was so stressful.

Grrrrrrrrrrr...

Or maybe I'll go cry in my corner alone again. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Gotta tell T on Wednesday about what's happened since he saw me two weeks ago. He's not gonna be happy with me. Such a failiure and disappointment that I am.