I can't sleep.

I don't know where to start so I'm just gonna pour out the puzzle pieces and find the corners.

There's the rape.
I don't think these memories will ever stop haunting me. I still never got over this. I still know it's my fault for going back over and over, my fault for drinking and smoking until I lost control. I didn't always not want the sex. The first couple of times weren't so bad. But then I realized what was going on. What I was doing was wrong. Why did I go back? I knew that EVERY TIME it would be over I'd be sad, regretful, and in pain...Wishing that he were someone that I wanted next to me, but that he could never be. Did I like being hurt? I was totally defenseless against him. He was a 58 year old man taller, stronger, and bigger than me. Then there was me...16...110 pounds, 5'6"...I tried to pull away...but he pulled me right back. It's not what I wanted. I didn't want it to be that way...I stopped wanting it. But, why did I go back? It's my fault. I know the one of the first steps to getting over a rape is to stop blaming yourself, but with the facts at hand, I can't help but blame my stupid self.