You know.... you mentioned you'd been this way a long time. Perhaps we and you need to be patient with you and compassionate, understanding that while it won't really hurt him, you're really feeling stuck and scared right now, and have faith that the work you're doing in therapy will gradually allow you to deal with these things. If you want it, you'll get it, just keep showing up and pushing yourself as best you can. Your admission that you were feeling scared the other night was progress.