Hello everyone. I got some goals that I am still working on and not sure since I have been feeling down about them.

Goals:
Communication: Which is really important to me I have been working on it for a few years. I used to be great at it then being abused emotionally took a toll on me where I became a mute only speak when spoken too. It's embarrassing that I gotta relearn how to communicate. What bothers me is I am still having issues asking a lot of different questions and talking about other subjects; also, being told I am too quiet. That is not my personality I have always been the type to talk a lot being abused made me into a quiet person because all of my life I had to be quiet.

I have been putting myself out there talking to people. You should hear me my English doesn't sound great, although, English is my first and only language. I feel like I can't pronounce the words in English! My lip movement seems so stuck that I stutter over certain words it looks like I can't speak coherently, no I don't have a lipse issue either.. My mind wanders so much when speaking that I am not sure what to say to anyone. I have too much worrying going on that's the problem. My new therapist and I were gonna work on anxiety but she said it isn't gonna do me any good still living in a toxic environment where it will kill the healing. I am working with this therapist on sexual abuse issue (already seen a previous therapist on childhood abuse absolutely god awful)

My whole body is tense and today at work I felt like breaking down again. Do you know how many times I've broken down? I don't know still seems like there's a hella lot more tears that need to come out. My voice quality isn't good I sound like a little girl, why? I made myself sound like this so I can sound feminine to a lot of people because speaking in my natural voice makes it sound like I am a guy when I am not nor am I TS/TG, or a hermaphradite. My natural voice comes out when I am pissed off or if I am nervous then yea I definitely sound like a guy!

Why am I still struggling with communication skills? Being told "accept yourself for who you are" is not the answer I am not gonna "accept myself for something I didn't create nor asked to be abused either!" It feels like I get better then drift back into the old comfort zone back and forth. Why am I still crying over this? No, I am fresh out of high school and no not a college student either I am 29.

I have read books on communication and watched videos. I still want to be a Toastmasters member but that's money to pay for and that isn't in my budget right now. Another issue is I have an eye contact problem because of the abuse - think of an evil character who gave you those eyes that makes your body shiver that's the look my mom has given me for years it has literally killed me to the point when I talk to her I am looking down on the floor or elsewhere. It feels like I can't trust people with using direct eye contact that I have to look elsewhere and talk which looks bad. When I get eye contacts, again, chills go down my body and the anxiety in my chest hits me hard. I feel like an absolute mess I have no intentions of giving up either!

Spending time with other people
My boyfriend and I go to coffee events which we both enjoy a lot. I have an issue going by myself because he is like my protector it's an abandonment issue that I still have. I would get nervous if he isn't with me and would not go somewhere if he wasn't with me. He is the only one where I was spending a lot of time with not others again it was a trust issue with other people. I miss going out with other people I was sheltered all of my life had friends back home and barely any in AZ when we moved here long ago because of the lost human contact with others. I am seeing how other people aren't so bad at all you just gotta see who is trustworthy and who isn't. I am not sure how to combat this abandonment issue 1st therapy it was mentioned didn't do much about it.

I am just afraid to take risks because of lies I was told never realized life is about risks. The way how I was told about it that it can land you in jail, duh, if you do the wrong thing! Talking about risk that can help I am just now finding that out. I was also told to let others take the risk you just watch them do it I know so stupid huh? I hate being alone it has made me depressed all of my life.

This "abused personality" is still trying to control me by not allowing me to be my authentic self like before. I still feel like I want to cry, but what am I to do? Anyone have any suggestions? I don't wanna talk about this to my boyfriend, but I don't know. Is it wrong to still keep harping on this? I'll be glad when I reach the goals so I can stop harping on it.