I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I know you said you didn't want to hear comments about your T, but I do think there is a chance your T might not be taking the most helpful approach for you. They do get things wrong sometimes, they make mistakes, they fail to connect with clients and miss what they really need to do at times. It may be that she is the right T for you, it may be that she isn't. I wonder if you have really burnt bridges with the other Ts you contacted before - they are probably used to clients cancelling a first session as a first session is hard, they probably would allow you to try again with them. Not that I'm suggesting you do this, I'm just saying that that option is probably there for you - you don't know until you try.