This post tugged at my heartstrings. I SO miss that. For about 5 months my T held me....fairly regularly, but not every session. I see her twice a week. The first time it happened, it was the first time I really truly cried. I was scared, ashamed, and so sad and alone...and I asked her if she could come sit by me, or "if that was against the rules." She said "I was just going to," and she sat beside me and put her arms around me. My head was on her chest, and I could hear her heartbeat, which was so soothing to me. I cried it out, then I was done. And all the while, whenever this happened, I would concentrate on her heartbeat, while she would rub my back or play with my hair. I felt so safe. And cared about. I only asked her the first time. Every time after that, she came to me without my asking, or even thinking about it. She'd put her arms around me and pull me into her. Once she said "I haven't sat by you in awhile, I think today's the day." Another time she said she was coming to sit by me so I didn't have to feel so alone. I would cry, she would still talk, I would talk some, I had never felt so safe in my life. I felt like I could tell her nearly anything during those moments. Then, just as quickly as it started, it stopped in February. I finally asked her about it a few weeks later, why she quit. She said that touch in therapy is not her "modality" and she's not comfortable with it. She said she stepped away from that for a short period of time because I was in a very bad place. And she was also trying to show me I coud trust her. I argued with her in countless Emails and texts, and two sessions. Not comfortable my ***, she was very comfortable with it, as she always initiated it, except for the very first time. Something changed, and I'm not sure what, but of course I took all the blame. For three months I couldn't really participate in my therapy, I didn't trust her, I didn't know what she'd take away next. The very thing she did to earn my trust ultimately took it away. I was so hurt I wanted to quit. I was close to quitting, and even talked to her about it. I have told her time and time again it's not the fact that she took it away that hurts so much. It's that she didn't talk to me about it, before, during, or after she decided to stop. She just let me figure it out on my own. I am still with her, and we are working on a connection again. It's going well. But the hurt in my heart will never go away. She said she planned to step away from her modality for a limited period of time. She should have told me that. Because honestly, had I known it would be taken away, I never would have let it continue. I would have stopped it right then. I miss that safe feeling. I miss the soothing sound of her heartbeat. I miss that connection we shared. And, I know, even with time, she won't allow that again, not after how badly I took her taking it away. I don't know if I will ever have complete, 100% trust again. I can tell her about *things.* But FEELINGS are another matter. Especially if it involves her or therapy in general. I'm afraid if she thinks I'm too attached, she'll push me away. I love my T. And we connected very quickly when I started seeing her just over a year ago. I think she IS a good T, and the best fit for me, I just feel like, in my heart, that she made a mistake in offering something she knew she'd take away eventually. She made the mistake in not talking to me about it. Especially near the beginning, when I asked her about boundaries. I would give anything for her to allow that again, only very sparingly, when it's really warranted. Like my last session, where I told her something I've not told another soul. I intended to take it to my grave. But it came out, and I did as I always do when I cry, sit on the couch, back facing her, and cry with my face buried in the back of the couch. I was crying over embarrassment. Of the shame I felt over letting myself be victimized at 9 years old. At doing nothing to stop it. I was crying, also, because I felt so alone, and I really wished, during this difficult disclosure, that she would come sit by me. Just reserve it for times like this. But, it didn't happen, and realistically, I know it won't again. And that hurts, because I know what she's capable of, and what I can't have. So, enjoy it. YOU pushed away from your T, not the other way around. If she was not receptive to this, she would have stopped it. I believe you have nothing to be ashamed of, or worried about when you see her next. But I would try to talk to her about it. So that you are aware of "down the road." Please keep us posted. I would be so interested to hear what your T says. Tell her you appreciated it, but that you were scared that it might not be ok. See what she says. Maybe you'll be surprised. I'll be interested to hear how it goes. But I know how you feel. That was something I needed very much. Enjoy it. For you. For me, even.