I'm totally freaking out I have no idea what emotion I'm feeling other than panic (is that an emotion?). I decided last yr to not speak with family, cut them out of my life.

I put a trigger in this since it may trigger. So be warned may TRIGGER.

For those of u who don't kno my father is an abusive alcoholic pedophile. My mother completely submissive and dependent on him even though he has no income and she works 2 jobs. My twin dead. Older sister thinks she entitled and a princess. Fathers side of family new all the **** that was happening to me as a child and did nothin because they " didn't want to disrupt the family". Moms side clueless and were too far away.

So back to now. So I got a call from my parents last night. I didn't answer they left a message and of course I listened. I am waiting for the call that says they are dead. Anyways it was my father but he didn't say father he used his first name and sounded robotic. That's not the issue. As soon as I saw who was calling I starte panicking and I haven't stopped. It's been almost 12 hrs and I'm still in full panic mode.

I didn't sleep well last night either. I was up every hr and it took forever to fall asleep and only did cuz the meds make me tired and eventual I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm not sure what to get from this. Perhaps I'm just venting.

I do have a question though. After my parents using and abusing me all my life and I stopped talking to them, why do I feel so bad? It's not like I care about either of them. In fact I fantasize a lot about their deaths and how free I truly will be.