Hey Granite,

Sorry you're feeling so confused and scared! I've been there, and it feels horrible!

I'm going to take a stab at what I think might be going on here. I might be wrong, but it's a feeling I have because I can identify with some of it. So here goes. . .

Slowly, you have been opening up to your t more. You have been slowing trusting her more. . .telling her more. . .letting yourself attach more. . .and starting to share some super difficult stuff. While all of this is really good and sign of progress, it also scares the ever-living crap out of you to be this vulnerable with her. So after you've roused up your courage to share something very big with her, you end up getting panicky afterwards. This panic causes you to need some way out, because you are too scared about getting close and trusting her, for fear it doesn't last and you get hurt or rejected. So you (unconsciously) find some reason to get distance from her in order to ease that panic. Maybe you do it by looking for something she said or did that you think proves that she does not really care about you, or that she is about to abandon you. You focus on that as a reason not to let yourself be so vulnerable or open with her. It's easier to stay protected and not let yourself have your t's comfort and support because even though it feels horrible to go without, you are used to it. It's harder to believe that she really cares about you, really wants to help, and has open arms to do it. You can't let yourself believe that because if you believe it and let yourself have it, and then you find out later it wasn't genuine, you don't feel that you will be able to survive.

So that's my take. But I could be totally wrong and just projecting my own insecurities and fears about my t onto you. . .