Thank you precaryous, your post touched my heart. I know the past three months I've posted SO much about this, obsessed perhaps, and always fear people are tired of it, like "oh no, it's another post from Lizzy". I never received warm comfort or safety until I met a family when I was 15....they took me in. I essentially ran away from home. But it didn't "feel" right. Oh they loved me, they cherished me, but I was in NO place in my life to accept it, so even though they loved me as much as their own kids, I wouldn't let myself feel it. I truly missed out. I, also, don't have this with my husband, and really never have. I can only remember one time in 15 years where he even so much as hugged me in consolation, and that was YEARS ago, and I believe over the death of a friend. But that's not like him. I have one friend who is pretty close to everything I need in a friend/mother figure...but now I feel like I don't want to push her away by becoming "needy." At least with Ts, we're not supposed to be able to push them away easily.

In my Ts defense, I will say she didn't become aloof or cold, well, not really. Perhaps a little when I was standing up for myself as much as I was....but I was aloof and cold myself. My T and I both admit we are equally stubborn.

So, I feel a connection returning with my T, and it feels wonderful, but I also know how gunshy I am, and that can be lost at any moment now. So I know the safety is not there yet again. I want that safe feeling back more than anything.... and I have decided if I just try to dust myself on and move on, it will come back. I and I are close, I believe. I believe that may be part of why she took holding away. I think she was getting attached to me, too.

And your saying 'I should be grown up enough...self sufficient enough now not to need them." That's basically what my T said. I was not at all accepting of my "inner child," and am not now, but she was telling me how important it was to care for her and tend to her needs. I started opening up to the possibility, and when T took holding away, I told her it could have been that younger version of me needing it. And she basically said what I quoted from you above. So she has contradicted herself a few times. But, I love my T. I think we are a good fit. I just really need her to be consistent. I don't think she had ANY thought I would take the change as hard as I did. I basically clammed up for three months, and I couldn't help it. I tried. I've just started "coming back to her" as she said. She said she never left me, that "I left HER."

Tongalee, reading your post tugged at my heartstrings a great deal. Because I know the feeling. Please, to avoid any discomfort or hurt later on, talk to her about it. Is this typical for her? Is this temporary? Tell her my story if you would like. If you don't talk about being on a forum....just call me a friend. My T has been a psychologist for over 20 years, and owns her own practice. She told me she has NEVER been physical in that way with ANYONE until me. I asked her what made ME so effing special. She said she saw I was in a very dark place at the time and needed it. Well, the place I was in after she decided to take that away was even darker, and she knew it. Anyway....I see she is trying. I know she cares deeply for me, there's never been any doubt about that. I know she feels love for me. I miss what she gave me, and I know she will never give it again. It hurts, but I've decided, even though I still appreciate talking about it, that I just need to move on if there's any saving our client/T relationship.