I rarely write posts about myself. I'm not sure where to begin….

I spent the last 9 years of my life trying to get where I am right now. Right this minute, I am mentally fine. Freaking phenomenal even. I have not mental regrets. I have done nothing but try to help others and help myself. I spent a month in hell voluntarily admitting myself, getting clean, getting stable, and getting back on meds. People who know me well even noted a difference. I made peace with God after all he has taken from me.

Why is it that when we get over one hurdle there is another to follow? Is this a track meet? Is that all life is? A game? A sport? Entertainment? Is someone up there with a magnifying glass frying the ants the stray free from the mound?

I made a post a while back while manic about the things that I had been through and the things that followed. And those same things are apon me in the near future. I knew from this time last year that my health wouldn't last, but I prayed and prayed for a second chance. I got myself help and got mentally sound only to be hit with a diagnosis worst than my MI. End stage renal disease….

So here I sit, proud of myself for never giving up….but my body is giving up on me…25 years old, mentally sound finally, yet weak and sick. I have been pushing myself to maintain a normal life and what did I get. Getting mainlined to the ER after passing out at work…and oh my god, the excitement of just being able to pee on my own is too much to bear. What is this game we are playing here...