Hi there. I'd like to talk about a very personal self harm habit of mine. I want to warn you that this post is particularly triggering, and I go into a lot of detail towards the end, which might be considered a bit TMI. Anyway, let's begin.

Recently I have developed a strong desire to harm my genitals and breasts, and on more than one occasion, have acted on this. Before this, most of my self harm was mainly focused on my arms, then it moved to my thighs, and then eventually genitals/breasts. Usually I do this out of a form of self-punishment, I guess. I feel I'm deserving of it for being a disgusting female. A piece of meat. I get so much satisfaction out of seeing the blood drip from that area. I also have the desire to cut my womb out and disfigure my face, as well as shave all my hair off. I want look as grotesque on the outside as I feel on the inside.

I suppose I do have some issues with my gender. However, it tends to switch. At times I feel content being female, then other times I feel disgusted at being female. Most of my genital/breast self harm episodes are triggered by seeing men behave degrading towards women, or being reminded of my womanly-duties (like child bearing) I absolutely cannot stand the thought of my body being merely a incubator for a fetus. I also think my self harm down them stems on the thought of wanting to be sexually-undesirable.

I read up online that genital/breast mutilation stems from being sexually abused as a child, however, I have no memory of this. It has crossed my mind that perhaps I was from a very young age and it's repressed? However, I definitely do not want to implant false memories, if I wasn't abused. Although, I do remember developing masturbation habits very early on (from the age of 8 or 9, maybe?) and often I'd feel aroused when another child was humiliated. I remember on one occasion, while my babysitter was driving us somewhere, one of the children she also babysitted had misbehaved, and so she was yelling at her, and humiliating her. She was also laughing at her, and emotionally tormenting her. Her husband also joined in on the ordeal, claiming they were going to put her in nappies (diapers) for acting like such a baby. The child started crying. Meanwhile, I had the strong urge to masturbate to her humiliation, and instead succumbed to grinding myself against the car seat. I must have been about 9 when this happened. Sorry for going into too much detail, by the way. Also, a fantasy of mine was a child being naked and their genitals completely being exposed, and having an adult laugh at it, and touch it, showing it to everyone else. I'd get sexual-gratification and masturbate to these thoughts, when I was a child. I remember myself getting aroused when I watched a cartoon, and the character was naked, and laughed at.

So I don't know what to think, really. What are your thoughts? Are such fantasies as a child normal? Could it be linked with my new form of self harm? and what can I do to feel better about myself and stop harming my private areas?