I've been crying a little each day since June 18th due to my pdoc changing offices and possibly abandoning me. I've been rather desperate. The emails I've sent him sound crazy when I read them. I'm poking sticks in beehives everywhere. I even considered ODing briefly- more for attention than anything else. Anyways ... My T called me to talk and make sure I was ok and not still stuck on the OD idea and to see if I felt like I needed to be in the hospital (isn't that nice - she asked me.) I'm not in that place anymore, so I said no. <font color="#000088"> She said I get a free 5 minute phone call every day this week and she promised to call me on Wednesday (the holiday where I have nothing to do and no one to be with.)</font> We talked about how some practitioners fear their patients becoming dependent, but that she believes you need to be free/allowed to feel dependent so I could work through that. It's the dependency that is causing all the pain with pdoc. The call was emotional because she's the only one I can talk to and admit these things to. No one else really wants to hear about it or can understand it anyways.

What confuses me is why do I cry and feel so much pain when someone reaches out to me and shows me that they care?

Then there's more - she did say she had someone else in mind that I could see instead of my old pdoc who has more experience and would not be scared by the dependency thing. And he is male which is important. But let me ask you - how do you start over? How do you create a new bond? It took a while to do that and it may take too long to regain it if it's at all possible. I feel like I'm losing an awful lot. And I still need what I'm losing. I'm afraid I'll go back to feeling like just a patient again. Just someone to be analyzed and treated and not quite like a person needing support and compassion. Still, if I can't see my old pdoc (and maybe a change would be good even if I can still see him) this would be better than being pawned off on a 'nice German lady' who is new to the office and picking up the old pdoc's patients.

Right now I'm using the clonazepam to get me through until next Monday, July 9th, when I see my current (and maybe old) pdoc. (You know, secretly I hope I do break down in his office.)