I'm sorry you're still overwhelmed. Hugs to you too. I've said that very thing to my t in the past, the "i'm a grown woman and I should be able to figure this **** out on my own" and she would invariably reply "Why?" I could never come up with an answer other than "Because I just should, that's why."

Oh. Aha - I just had an insight. I know where that came from, the "Because I just should" answer!! i never realized it before because that little snippet would invariably come at the end of a session and never get followed up on. But I just followed it.... when i was a kid anytime I would go to my mother for help with something she was almost always on the phone with one of her friends and would tell me to "go figure it out yourself". Among other things that got ingrained, that one must have too, and my kid-mind decided it was wrong to ask for help that I needed to figure stuff out myself. Maybe that's why I waited so long to go to a pdoc in the first place when I was depressed, and why i waited a year after I got on meds to find a t, and even why way back 12 years ago when i had to have my gall bladder removed, why i stomped around the house in excruciating pain but wouldn't go to the doctor... until I passed out from the pain and hubby gave me no choice and I had to have emergency surgery. Because "I need to figure it out myself". Wow. This is one reason why this forum is so valuable. I do a lot of good workings-out here.