*Possible Trigger Warning*

Was very restrictive yesterday and also went to the gym. Woke up this morning at 4:45am and couldn't go back to sleep so went to the gym for a small workout. Then was very hungry and ate more than I am comfortable with. Not a ton, but more than I would like. I hate the constant up and down of my eating patterns...I constantly cycle btwn restrictive, normal, and sometimes slight overeating. This is most likely why my weight rarely drops. I know if I ate healthy consistently without restriction it wouldn't be this constantly up/down but it is so hard...
I work at a pool so looking at people in bathing suits is triggering as hell. I just want to be thin. Being disordered sucks when you are a normal weight, it is quite invalidating. At the same time it is very sick to almost want to be sick...