To answer the questions of what kind of friends I'm looking for and about dating. I'm looking for friends with anyone, whether it's men or women, but I do think it's harder to be friends with men since one usually ends up wanting more than just platonic friendship. I'm doing better with this than I was last night and realizing now the fault was my own for not walking away when he started pulling away months ago. I know now I was just desperate for the attention, someone to give me encouragement, hugs.....I made the friendship more than it was, and it was more important to me than it was to him.

It also never started out as a normal friendship. He started out thinking he may want to date me, but then changed his mind and said we were better off as friends. Right then is when I should have walked away. When you're friends because it's all you "can" be, it's never going to work. By then, the other person already knows you're not compatible.

He doesn't have kids from his marriage, but he wants them. So the only thing on his mind right now is going back to grad school and dating every woman in sight trying to find someone to marry and have a baby with before he's too old.

And yes, I do want to date. I just don't know if it's a good idea right now or not.

I am going to look into sliding scale therapy and see if it's affordable. I can't pay for anything until the end of the month when I get paid again, so for now I'll just read the books I ordered.

I think my big lesson in all this is I need to like myself enough and have enough respect for myself to not chase after someone who doesn't want me. It was clear months ago that he wasn't interested. I just stayed too long.

And yes, it is harder to make new friends once you're older. I've started looking at Meetups and some Facebook groups, but to start all over again and try to impress people, especially when you're depressed and don't feel very impressive, is going to be hard. I think that's why I'm afraid to start dating.