Yesterday, in therapist's office ...

20 minutes of speaking faster than Busta Rhymes.
Speaking so passionately, though forgetting why I talk about what I talk. I barely let her finish a sentence because she speaks too slow... You get the idea.

Among the lines, we spoke about my recurring suicidal thoughts.

Then, all the sudden, it was like a truck unloaded 1,000 stones on my chest.
I felt slow, heavy, unable to make my mouth speak.
Took me 10 minutes to just say; it hurts. I hardly formed another sentence to the session's end
Came home. crawled under the bed for hours. empty, hollow, hurt.

I had planned to go to a Activism-Protest and promised 4 friends to pick them up. that thought was bouncing in my head for an hour, I thought I'd cancel but eventually decided to go. Woha.. No idea how I gathered enough powers to do that.

I was being a zombie the whole protest. usually those events lift me up.

Then, at about midnight time, I returned to life, 'woke' up with no apparent reason.
We went to different places that I wanted, drank some beer, ate icecream, I drove super-fast, I was so high all the sudden. we were partying and everybody loved it that I woke up.

Today. met few friends to finish some presentation for university.
I was spirited, creative, I felt like I'm genius, brilliant ideas, trying to make sense out of them, mumbling non-stop, they tell me to SHUT UP and breath but I nononono ...
It went for hours, I was overwhelming to them
Few hours later. BOOM, like yesterday. out of the blue, despair, I want to die, I don't know what the hell is going on, I don't know nothing, I had to drive home, I couldn't drive faster than 90 km/h . everything felt so damn heavy, the gas pedal.. I couldn't imagine driving faster, I wanted to bury my head under my bed's pillow. home, I wanted home.

I can't make sense out of this, it is frustrating.
I thought it's all self-created, but why can't I keep the highs, I rather be overwhelming at times, irritable, than feeling like a black hole absorbs me slowly, painfully.

I don't get it. Why, how...
It's just... I want to be freed from this.