I read the other threads that you started, as well as this one. In my judgment, much of what you describe is not what a child or a young adult would typically think or fantasize or experience. I agree with the suggestions of several others, then, which were to speak to a therapist. What are the chances of your seeing a therapist? Have you seen them in the past?

I'm very sorry about how much you have suffered, as described in your threads. I think that finding a therapist is an excellent place to start.