(((((((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now .... SI is not an easy thing to deal with in the least bit.

I know how hard it can be to resist it. I know how much harder it can be to know that you have a deadline, and after that your "free". Only thing is, it doesn't make it any easier unfortunately.

You said that after you wait until you promised your friend you wouldn't hurt yourself, that all you can think about it doing it. Try and think of it this way ... if you do cut, then in a sense, what you've accomplished ... well you're only letting yourself down. I KNOW you have it in you. You are a fighter. In every essence of the word. Hell even with me you fight until you know that i know you care ... haha, and thats what i love about you so much. You have such SUCH a strong ability to care, and i only wish that i could somehow channel that caring back towards yourself.

Think of it as a race ... or a goal moreso. Take running as an example. Actually, well i'll just tell you about how i feel when i'm forced to run. Okay so i'm on the treadmill and i'm running. I'm thinking "oh gosh this is SO boring I hate it so much blah blah" ... and so i look at the clock and i'm like "okay 5 more minutes" and i run for 5 more minutes. Once i reach that i say 5 more, and so on and so on.

I realise that SI is absolutely nothing like running ... and running isn't the only thing that i'm trying to say this this message. I'm just trying to say, keep going with your friend. When you think that you're at your worst just say 5 more minutes. 5 minutes, thats it. If thats too much ... break it down into smaller fragments. Point is, put it off. Don't let yourself give in to it. You are so much stronger than that. They say that you build up your endurance and strength the most when you are at your weakest. It is where you develop character .... where you discover just how much you can take. When you are at rock bottom .... just try and look up. Try and see the good ... focus on the good, push away the bad, just even for a little bit.

But while all that is being said ... try not to be hard on yourself. @*#& happens, and if something does happen where you do SI ... its not the end of the world. You've made it this far now, and if you have to i know that you can do it again if not further. I believe in you so much Christina.

Sorry if i've made no sense, and if my sport rant has come out too much .... its just something that i've grown up doing and sport metaphors have surprisingly helped me a lot, and can apply to anyone, even if you hate sports!

Hang in there, and know that i'm thinking and praying for you
xoxoxo Jacq