Hello Illegal Toilet. Where on earth did you come up with that screen name? It does catch a person's attention. I like it. It is humorous. I am sorry you are having so much trouble right now. Do you have a therapist? That's not always helpful but it is worth a shot. I have thought of suicide too, but have come up with many reasons not to go down that road. Take care of yourself and stay safe. You are an important person, or rather service cat.