having a real bad time lately - fear about to get fired from job (can't do anything about it - too depressed to fix it) and my cat is sick maybe dying. not a happy time right now.

my rant tonight is why is it so damn difficult to get help!!

i called an employer assistance program (which for me was a huge and difficult thing to do in itself) i was promptly given an appt, which was commendable. but when i got there i freaked and decided to leave - the therapist said that was my choice. if he'd taken the time to try to initiate a conversation he probably would've got me talking.

it's like if i walked in to a doctor's office bleeding from a head wound and then said ...no, i changed my mind i don't think i need help. do you really think anyone would say Ok. well my head wound is on the inside!!!

after i left the previously mentioned appt, i skipped work the next day. that night i was anxious about going to work and began scratching the cr*p out of my arm. i went to my primary care physician the next morning - i knew i couldn't face going to work. he added an additional antidepressant and said he'd get me a referal to a therapist - but that could take a couple months to get in he said.

he gave me the rest of the week off. but said he'd really rather not give me any more time off. he thinks i need to deal with the issues at work and not stick my head in the sand.

well how the hell can i deal with the issues at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can barely think straight. everybody tells me not to feel bad about having depression - i wouldn't be ashamed if it were diabetes or a broken leg they say.

but if it really is an illness than why am i sent out in to the world to 'deal' with issues i can't deal with!!!! i don't know how to deal with them!!!

so instead i cut my arm up tonight (nothing life threatening) and slept for a few hours.

if i lose my job - which is really looking like that will be the case in the next couple weeks, i'll have no insurance and won't be able to afford help. won't be able to pay my mortgage - if i lose my house...that disappointment would send me over the edge.

just had to let off some frustration...

if anyone reading this believes in prayer - please pray for my cat! <font color="purple"> </font>