I've been where you are. Feeling suicidal, but scared that you might not succeed. The reason I didn't try was that I didn't want it rubbed in my face that I couldn't even do that right if I didn't succeed. That was 46 years ago and it's only been in the past year that I finally admitted to someone else that I had been that suicidal. It's very depressing, but that's what this place is for, so that we can talk about what we're going through and feeling and nobody can lay a guilt us.