I really get this. I had a similar experience - telling myself that I shouldn't go back and that it was time to deal with life on my own or use friends for support (in that equal supportive way that friends do). I'd also had the emotionally unavailable parenting and discovered how amazing T's 'reparenting' support was. For myself though, I recognised that I was forcing myself to cope alone, resisting my need to still have T's support.

If you're telling yourself you 'should' be able to cope on your own then it might be that you are forcing yourself to do this when your heart tells you that it's not the right thing? Ask yourself: If this was my best friend with this dilemma then what would I advise him/her to do? What would I want most for him/her to recognise?

How about asking T if you can have occasional support on a when-you-need it basis? That was what I did and it worked really well. It gave me the space and independence to develop my own strategies but with T's safety net there if I ever needed it.

Be gentle with yourself and take care.