Please dont read this if fragile or thinking of self harm already.

I'm in my 30s and have just had my first real experience with self harm. I have always had issues with self destruction, but this is the first time I've done what I would classify more as self harm, not just doing things that would lead to harm, but actual harming just to harm. I have to say I got a great sense of relief. I never thought this is something I would do. I don't like the idea of cutting, The pain was brutal, but lessened my inner pain and made me feel strong, like there was something I could finally handle. I stopped about 2 weeks ago, and my wrist is healing up okay. I'm going to have a massive scar that will be difficult to explain, in fact I think trying to cover up the burn mark was the only reason I stopped. Wearing cuff bracelets and watches that rubbed on the burn while working was not something I enjoyed and was a huge infection risk. Anyways, it was nice feeling relief in a way that was not drugs or other substance abuse behavior, but I think this may be just as addicting for me. My spouse is always upset about my self medication because of the issues it causes both of us, I feel like this one may at least be less destructive to our relationship, even if it's destructive to me. It's not a good place to be, feeling the need for relief and always looking to unhealthy places, but I haven't found a way out of the darkness that is healthy. I guess I just needed to get this out there and hope I'm not alone in this, although also hope others aren't as self destructive as me.

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