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Originally Posted by Webgoji
First things first. Back when I was on Venlafaxine, it caused anorgasmia. I couldn't have an orgasm for a long time while the doctors played with my medications. After finally getting off of Venlafaxine, I'm able to have an orgasm again. However, I know have an almost crippling case of performance anxiety because I'm so worried about it, I can't orgasm with my wife ... only through manual stimulation. And this is a 4-fold issue; the medications I take don't help the situation when it comes to sexual issues, I'm 42 years old, I have developed performance anxiety and over the years have focused so much on her that I can't even focus on my own orgasm when we're together.
Well, about 8 months ago, Mrs. Webgoji's libido all but disappeared. I talked her into going to the doctor, talked her into talking to the psychiatrist about her medication, talked to her about going ... talked, talked, talked and met plenty of resistance. She was feeling pressured so a month ago I backed off completely. No more romantic gestures, no more random requests to dance to music on the TV, no more anything that would indicate that I want to have sex.
And now I'm a wreck. I don't agree that sex is the bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but I'm not a psychologist so I can't refute what he stated. If that's true, then I'm not even fulfilling the simplest first rung of needs. He puts intimacy at the 3rd level and that is, from my perspective, completely dead.
Here's why this is in the relationships section. Sex isn't about sex to me, it's about emotional intimacy. Mrs. Webgoji is not good at emotional intimacy. She doesn't give compliments and isn't "touchy feely", she's a sit on the other end of the couch content type person. So basically I'm not getting any of my emotional needs met.
My love languages are physical contact and verbal affirmations. Mrs. Webgoji doesn't flirt with me so any physical contact is limited to holding hands and verbal affirmations are limited to "Good chicken wings!". We've gone over these languages ad nauseum, but I'm left trying to get my emotional needs filled by myself. (Which is weird because companionship and intimacy require another person.)
There's no grass on the other side of the fence, but I'm completely out of ideas. Nothing works. After 15 years I've run out of ideas on how to get my needs met. (I used to be able to get a good dose of affirmation through sex because she was young and in the mood, but that's gone now.) To top things off, she's now projecting it on herself that her vagina just isn't tight enough any more. Adding one more guilt trip onto my issues.
When you're stuck between "leave and be miserable" or "be together and only be mostly miserable" what do you do?
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I'm reading through your post and re-reading it slower just to make sure I understand... first off I feel for you and I know it's gotta be tough but here's the thing:
first this
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Well, about 8 months ago, Mrs. Webgoji's libido all but disappeared. I talked her into going to the doctor, talked her into talking to the psychiatrist about her medication, talked to her about going ... talked, talked, talked and met plenty of resistance. She was feeling pressured so a month ago I backed off completely. No more romantic gestures, no more random requests to dance to music on the TV, no more anything that would indicate that I want to have sex.
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Just a thought, do you at all see that you solely have YOUR needs sexually in mind here? does it occur to you that possibly your insistence that she get medical help with her libido might have further made her NOT want to do anything about it? If I had a hard time with sex for any reason I'd hope they'd be more understanding and not so quickly push me off to a doctor to be FIXED. The issue of losing one's libido isn't always entirely a physical one and to so quickly assume that a drug or otherwise medical remedy is all she needs is rather simplistic. I'm not saying this to be mean but your insistence could easily be taken as very selfish.
Throughout the rest of your post it seems there are other issues going on that are complicating things too. It may not simply be a physical libido thing at all. With your issues of her non-touchiness, I wonder if that's been an issue all along and now it just seems to confound things because of the lack of sex also?
I think with your comment that she says her Vagina may not be tight enough could be a sign that there are deeper issues going on that may be affecting the situation. Think about your performance anxiety and how it affects your ability to climax. In the same way, if she's having anxiety about her body, have you thought about the fact that maybe your lack of being able to complete has in her mind made her think perhaps her body isn't good enough? This is what I see in your short comment about how she's pointing at her lack of "tightness"
I won't minimize that both men and women have needs that should be met in a relationship and I don't want to make this sound as if I think that's a non issue at all. It isn't but what I see in your post is more worrying about how to get what you want rather than curiosity about why your wife may be having trouble with wanting sex at all?