promised my T I wouldn't sh without calling first, and I really don't want to bug her. I know all the things she will say, so it's not all that helpful at the moment either. she'll go over grounding and remind me to keep distracted and keep doing things... check. doing all that right now. but it's not lessening the physical memories I'm having, which is triggering the need to sh...
ugh! why does this have to be such a struggle?
I dunno... I feel like such a hypocrit sometimes. I can be supportive and hopeful for others, but not myself. I keep feeling like I simply deserve this, like it's what's "supposed to be", so I should just do it... There were two big insights that came about this week. The first happened in therapy, where I realized that I always associated being loved and cared about with abuse. The second came the next day when my mom admitted having no real emotional attachment to anyone, including my brother and I (due to her own abuse history)... So on the one hand I figured out I may actually be worth something despite what my head says, and on the other I found out I'm worthless to someone I care about deeply and thought cared about me...
Between the body memories and talking to my mom this week, why shouldn't I just destroy myself?
The sh calms me and balances me. Why should I bother to avoid it if it brings relief? I wish T hadn't made me promise to call her first. She knows I will keep my promise to her. She also knows I don't like bugging people, so she's pretty much gauranteed to keep me from sh... Grr! Feeling very much like a little kid about to tantrum and scream, but know it won't get me anything, and know that I still can't disappoint T by breaking my promise; nor can I bring myself to bug her.
!&#@&%#)$*!*)$*!)$($&%&$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!