I've come on here lamenting about people not liking me, about a continued pattern of feeling like I'm not fitting into social groups whether it be at work, at school, at my former church, etc etc. And largely...that hasn't changed.

Recently, I've started hanging out more with some people from work. One girl (an RN) in particular and I have really hit it off, and we've gone out about three times in the last 3 weeks. I think we do well together because she's very laid back and seems pretty real. I don't trust anyone I work with implicitly (I live by the rule "don't isht where you eat"), but she's cool. The only issue I have with her is that she's incredibly promiscuous. That in and of itself isn't the issue--like, hey, if you're taking precautions and aware of who you're with, then you do you. Rock on, rockstar. And it's not a competition thing because we don't really go for the same guy. Though when we talk about theoretical crushes (doctors, married, totally off-limits), I noticed that when I talked about mine (my favorite, really like him, would be all about him if he weren't married...totally NOT her type) she was quick to mention an instance when he awkwardly flirted with her. (Yeah...he's done that to me as well. But he's just a big, goofy, geeky, nice guy.) It's not even a jealousy thing, although I do sometimes wonder how she manages to attract multiple men in a short span of time when I've not so much as gone out with anyone in years...though I would never, ever tell her that. She's pretty active on Tinder, while I did it for less than 24 hours and was like, "No, eff this. This sucks." That right there illustrates the difference in how much I care about male attention vs. how much she does. I mean, I like it. But I like my life to be drama-free much better. And, for me, it's about quality, not quantity. We met up with two guys she had been talking to on Tinder and, afterwards, I observed that I knew I wasn't their type. Which isn't a negative thing...they weren't mine, either. She was like, what do you mean? Why would you say that. I didn't really have an answer, I just know when I have chemistry with people and when I don't. She told me I need to think better of myself. Huh...I feel like I actually think pretty highly of myself, lately. And I don't feel like that statement was my thinking badly of myself.

There are a few more examples of other groups, but to keep this post short, I'll just say that I have been hanging out with other people with whom, for whatever reason, it just isn't clicking. I feel like they don't get me, and for once in my life, I don't feel ashamed or like I have to change. I feel like, hey, this is me, I'm awesome and I think you should open your mind and try to accept me rather than reject me on some preconceived notion you have of me. Okay, part of me feels a little ashamed because we all want to be accepted. But, at the same time...I'm not changing.

I feel like I know what I want out of life. I have done my partying and, while I do enjoy going out and having fun, I'm not interested in the bar scene or trolling for men. Even if I were, odds are that I simply am not going to meet a soulmate on a drunken night out in a bar. I feel like the people around me think I am 1) Closed off and/or grumpy all the time (I do have chronic B--- face) 2) boring 3) too old to hang out with. Maybe I am a little boring, though I think I like cool things. And yeah...compared to a lot of the people I hang out with, I am old. I'm at least 5 years older than most of them. But I feel like, maybe for the first time in my life, I just know who I am and what I want. And what I absolutely don't want. And that may just make me a loner, I don't know.

As usual, this post is mainly just thinking aloud. But I wonder if, because I never seem to meet any kindred spirits, I am weird and subconsciously pushing people away...or if I am actually healthy (for once), and just a unique person?