Hi
I've been very socially isolated much of my life. Insecurity and avoidance, for the most part, has created this situation. When I have had friends I often get involved with people that chose me and that I don't fear rejection from. The problem with this is that because I become friends based on this criteria the friendships don't last long. I've repeated the dynamic where I get involved with someone that I felt ambivalent about from the beginning and will eventually bail on and the other person tends to be someone with rejetion issues that picks me because they are reinforcing that they get rejected (like I am reinforcing that all my relationships will end because someone becomes almost or actually abusive, people that get angry and passive agressive as soon as I make another friend or have a need of my own). Basically, I've had a handful of relationships with high maintenance people where I feel more like their lap dog then a human friend (and I totally participate in the begining with this role).

I have a new friend. There are aspects of this new friendship that are uncomforably similar to those of my past that I'm trying to break free of. I feel like a jerk because I feel like if I had other options I probably would barely know this guy. I'm not working and I have no friends. I volunteer and I try out any meetups in my area that I can afford that seem even vaguely suited to me. I'm trying and have been trying for a few years to make friends but this person is the first one that has "stuck" so far.

Right now, I know I'm better off for knowing this person. I know that my mental health has improved since we started hanging out. I know that if I don't hang out with this person that the risk is probably greater than whatever hassle is waiting for me down the road. I think that I can hide my ambivalence enough not to hurt this person's feeling but I don't know and that really concerns me.

I don't want to be a jerk and it's not really safe for me to be alone (I'm sure that sounds extreme to some but it's true).

This person has a lot of friends and aquaintences, alot. This person have people constantly calling and inviting him places. He probably goes to less than half the things he's invited to (he only invites me if there is a social event where he is playing music). Sometimes I think he just calls me everyday because he knows he can 'be himself' with me. Problem is, being himself means calling me when he's just waking and grunting and groaning as he wakes and then wanting me to go get food with him (along with other behavior that I think plenty of people would find off putting). We've been hanging out and he'll be talking like he's a five year old with a kid voice and then he gets a phone call and he puts on his adult voice for someone else...

I've tried toning things down so it isn't an everyday thing but he doesn't get the hint.
If I don't interact with this person now it will be to the detriment of my health. I've experienced prolonged social isolation in the past and my head goes really weird uncomforable places that have brought on serious boughts of anxiety depression paranoia and suicidal thoughts.
So, toucing base with him even if I don't like a lot of things seems better than not doing so.
This person does have a lot of good qualities and it'd be great to know him for years to come but I just don't like his idea of friendship and he makes it an all or nothing thing (he doesn't call people socially, they call him and he barely sees anyone other than me).

Does anyone else have relationships like this?
Any feedback that isn't about how to meet new people/make friends would be appreciated. Any shared stories could be really helpful to and I super welcome them.
Thanks for reading!