Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccer mom
Perhaps as you feel he couldn't fully understand you via phone, he feels you might not fully understand him? Many many many times I have misunderstood my T due to the transference. I see what she says in a negative light and she has to reword it or really explain it for me to see it in a normal light. We have only talked on the phone once when I told her my mom was sick. Otherwise, we just text for appointments. So, I can understand how phone is not the best means to discuss therapy related issues. It's probably difficult for both parties - too much room for misunderstanding?
Your email was great and will be a good place to start in your next session!! I've been dealing with my transference for a year and just last week realized that most of my feelings about her stem from abandonment fears. I don't have these fears with anyone else - just her due to the maternal transference. She told me months ago she wouldn't abandon me. I remember looking at her and thinking "why are you saying that"? I never realized it was abandonment that I feared. So, it's great that you've identified different feelings that are getting stirred up. And, unlike me, you sound like an adult when you talk about them! LOL
I learned this week that my neediness (I call it longing) is actually out of a fear of abandonment. T. will challenge me. I will struggle feeling like she doesn't like me since she's being tough. Then my brain will think of any other times I felt she didn't like me. I then worry I made her mad and she will get frustrated and decide not to work with me. I know this is all irrational but that's how it feels. So, I want to get back to my session to make sure everything is ok. This was a pattern with my mom that I didn't realize until the transference came up. The problem is when I would go back to my mom I had a 50/50 chance of her acting normal due to her alcohol issues. So, I'm trying to learn that it's 100 with my T.
You are doing great. Keep talking to those who give you support (here definitely) and try to see links between your feelings now and your past. It will help you identify the transference vs normal rational feelings.
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Hi Soccer Mom--thanks for your post and the encouragement! I agree that the phone just leads to misunderstandings. You don't have the body language and eye contact of in-person contact. I feel like if Wednesday's call had been in person, then MC might have seen how upset I was earlier and maybe reacted differently. Or maybe I would have seen that he was still speaking from a place of caring and been less upset and defensive.
I think once I thought he was talking in a negative sense, I just kind of shut down. Well, maybe not shut down, so much as dug in, like, no, I must have an individual session with you! Or else that means you don't care! And he also dug in, like, no, we shouldn't do that! Where if we were talking in person or maybe more rationally, it would have been different.
I think the transference must be tapping into childhood feelings, because it just seems to hit me in a different place than painful things normally do. Like, I can feel it differently in my body, a certain kind of pain, that I sense in my chest. The fear of abandonment is just intense. I know MC may think he's doing what's best for me, but it's like I feel like I'm not ready, like I need more reassurance and comfort before taking whatever steps I need to in order to move past this.
And, yeah, I may sound like an adult in writing, but pretty sure in my voicemail to him the other day, I sounded like a little kid, or at least a teenager! Of course, the good thing is, his main practice is with teenagers, so he's used to it.