Quick update that MC did respond last night to my e-mail. I was scared at first when I saw his name as being a new message. But it was OK. He started the e-mail with "Hey, [LT]." There was a recent thread on here where someone was concerned that their T had gone from "Dear __" to "Hi ___" In the few e-mails MC has sent me, it's always been, "Hi [LT]." The "Hey" felt more familiar/friendly and was somewhat encouraging to me.

I feel like he was avoiding saying too much because of concerns about privacy (HIPAA for those in the US). Like he was just being general in case someone else (like my H) read it. But he said he got my e-mail and thanked me for the "feedback." Also said he appreciated all the work I was doing in therapy and that he understood it was extremely difficult and painful at times. Then said we could discuss things more in our joint session Monday and that he looked forward to seeing me.

I know that's not a whole lot, but it made me feel better. All I asked him to do was confirm he got the e-mail, so he could have just said that. But he did take the time to validate my feelings of it being painful, etc. I felt more hopeful after that e-mail that maybe we could resolve things, that he does care, and is just trying to look out for my best interests. I'm not going to lie--I'm kinda terrified of Monday's session. But I haven't had a bunch of crying spells today like the last two days. Today (unlike the last 2 days) I haven't felt like I just want to cancel on Monday because screw him. I'm just hoping I can go in there and see in his eyes that he still cares and still is there for me and that we can work through this. I want to believe he's trying to do what's best for me and not just trying to get rid of me. I'm not going to go in there and just be like "whatever you say!" to him--I feel like he's been rather inconsistent with me, which has led to the need for reassurance. (Like, "My door is always open..." except "now it's not.") I'm hoping that talking to him in person instead of over the phone will make me realize that the connection is still there and that he's not rejecting me.

Still scared that my telling him I loved him led to all of this, but I guess that's something I can address Monday...