Let me first apologize for the possibility of a long rambling post.

Tomorrow marks 1 year ago that one chance meeting changed my life for the better. It didn't start out that way though I think my life has significantly improved since then. Here is part of a journal entry from 6.13.14 (Friday the 13th)

>>>Ran into T or rather he ran into me at Trader Joes. This was on Friday the 13th at 4:45. I saw what car he drives. It's a brownish Honda. Do you even understand how horny I am right now? I'm in love with him. The more high I get the more in love I feel. sigh.

So when I saw him he jokes with me a little. He said he was going to reply to my text. I sent him a text this morning. He said he was contemplating his reply. I said I thought maybe he wouldn't reply. He said, "No way."

oh my god.

What happened next he looked at what I had in my basket we discuss the bananas I told him about the orange juice. He asked if I was high. He said, "You are high right now." I said no I'm not. <i didn't think i was> He said, "your eyes are half mast." I said, "I think that's natural now. I'll get high as soon as I leave here though."

Oh my god I can't believe I just ran into him. How lucky. I told him I wanted to see him more he didn't turn me down but reminded me of the cost & said whatever you want.

Don't overthink it.

As I left I made note of which car he drove which I didn't need to do because he pulled up next to me at the traffic light. He said it was good that I knew that cop was on the other side of the hill. I said, "Oh hell yeah." Then he said, "I know why (my husband) didn't care when you went away. He had something he wanted to do when you are away." I said, "really?" He said, "You can go in August." He asked me if he took me & I told him no. He laughed and said, "You know I'm going to have to charge you for this?" Because remember we were sitting at a traffic light. Somehow me being high came up again. And I said yes I'm getting high now. He said well I better watch out for you. Then he sped off.



To cut a ridiculously long story short... This meeting led me to begin to obsess over him again like I had years before. This led me to beginning to stalk him online again. This led me to extreme shame and grief and multiple texts to him. It led to an out of control borderline life. Self injury, suicidal, hate, love, fear, depression, confusion... on and on. In the end I was so suicidal that I made another attempt. It had been maybe 10 years since my last try. After the close call which my H did nothing about I checked myself in the hospital against his wishes and so started the idea of my divorce. I figured if he wouldn't try to get himself help (he needed it too) or go to couples counseling with me then that was it for us. I was yet unable to see I was in an abusive relationship.

So here I am a year later and much happier... but not yet as well as I'd like. It's a slow process but I am glad I realized the significance of tomorrow. Here's how I realized it though. I put in my contacts tonight. It was a year ago that I decided I was crying so much, mostly due to fighting with my husband, that I should just take my contacts out and go with my glasses all the time. Wearing contacts and crying as much as I was became miserable because my eyes were always dry and blurry. I said, "**** it! my life sucks anyway. I'm going with glasses because I don't give a **** anymore."

My T said a few months ago, "Talking to you at the traffic light in our cars... That's what lead to the great collapse. Do you realize what you did? You got rid of (my husband)! I didn't think that would ever happen. Do you hear me? I thought he'd have to kill himself or something for you to be rid of him." I said, "I wanted him to but he wasn't going to so I thought I'd have to do it to escape."

I know that's horrible. I was desperate and in pain. Anyway, I am better for it and I like to think my ex is better now too but I don't know. He hasn't spoken to me since he moved back home in November of last year. I hope he is okay.

If you read this far... Thanks for reading and I hope my story gives someone some hope for their future. My life isn't perfect. Far from it. I'm in less misery at home though. I feel safer and less stress in my life. I'm still very obsessed with my T but I have hope that it will get better though some days, I'm not so sure. Oh one more thing... It's been 3 months since I self injured and 83 days since I got high.