I would prefer working things out on my own and within a circle of friends (thankfully I have multiple trusted individuals around) if it's in any way possible. I don't really feel comfortable at the thought of being judged face to face by someone who I don't know and who dosen't know me. I'm probably afraid of someone denying or perhaps minimalizing things. I mean, they must have heard a million times worse stories than mine. Or, on the other hand I'm afraid they'd take me too seriously, which is also uncomfortable - I hate when I feel like I'm fishing for sympathy or reaction (which I feel like whenever I get sympathy or shock as a response even if it's not my intention) because it somehow makes things feel less real.

My insurance does cover therapy, but there are some serious limits and it's not the best setting even if you're lucky to find somebody who actually cares (insurance-covered therapists are overworked, overbooked and they don't really need to be trying that hard to get people, meaning they don't need to be as good, meaning they often aren't. Mum would keep sending me to them when I was young to find out what's wrong with ME and made me switch whenever she felt they're questioning her too much. As a result I've visited most in town already. Another reason why I don't want to go that route, I'm afraid they'll remember, I'm riddiculously memorable for some reason. Really. I know people recognise me 5 years after we chatted for 5 minutes on the bus. Actually there's someone I'd trust to see again, but I'm really afraid she'd remember me... I hate when people remember me from that time, I was something terrible. But she started suspecting there's something wrong with mum after the first session when all others would go on trying to teach me relaxation techniques). I found a couple of therapists whose articles and reviews sound as if I'd feel at ease with them and who sound like they'd be able to help, but I can't afford their prices even though it's not really that much.