Quote:
Originally Posted by seeker1950
Hi, llleee, you said,
Basically, I've had a handful of relationships with high maintenance people where I feel more like their lap dog then a human friend (and I totally participate in the begining with this role).
I used to do that! I've acted in a subservient role to both male and female acquaintances. I think it stems from wanting to please, wanting to be liked, fearing rejection. In relationships with the opposite sex, I often found myself passively agreeing with many qualities that were truly objectionable, all so I would not feel rejected. I've been overly accommodating in many/all these subservient relationships. I no longer do that. Yes, it means I have less friends, but the few friends I do have, accept me for who I am, with no expectations. They give me space, since I, LIKE YOU, require time alone. I also suffer from social anxiety, so I refrain from a lot of social gatherings. Nothing wrong with that.
You may have to step back and ask yourself what are YOUR needs regarding relationships, rather than accommodating someone for whom your feelings are ambivalent.
I commend you for going to social meet-ups. I find it's really hard to bond with people to form true and lasting friendships, but those with whom you do find this are valuable in the most healing ways.
Hang in there!
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Thanks for the reply! I liked hearing that you've overcome this pattern and have some positive relationships now, gives me hope
I think I'm in an inbetween stage. I can see my past behavior and I'm commited to changing it and I can see the benefit of really defining what my own needs are. I've spent some time too observing people I admire and how they interact with others in hope of better understanding how I'd like to be in a relationship.
The relationship I have with this person is also kinda inbetween. I started telling him to call me back once he was fullly awake that didn't change anyting so then I just ignored his first call of the day and today I told him I didn't like tallking to him when he first woke because he wasn't fully present and it was like he was calling so I could wake him up by talking to me. He said he'd call back when he was more awake when it didn't seem selfish to me.
I don't put up with what I don't like but I'm starting to feel like I criticize him a lot and I feel like a jerk.
And, I feel like a jerk because I know that if I wasn't scared of not having the constant interaction I probably wouldn't know him (I would hang out on ocassion but he's given me reason to believe it's kinda all or nothing).