I've had some patterns similar to yours. I really feel for you. It sounds like you make a lot of effort to try and better your life, but end up not getting much return on your investment. Like volunteering and going to the meetups . . . that's you doing a lot to enlarge your life and contact with others. I'm very sorry it hasn't yielded better friendships. I get that your emotional health is precarious and that you are in danger of deteriorating if you lose the human contact you have, unsatisfying though it is. I don't believe you're exaggerating in the least. I give you credit for having insight and being clear sighted about what you are up against.

A few years ago, I got tired of having a collection of relationships/ friendships where I was putting in more than I was getting back. As a kid, I was always volunteering as a way of feeling connected. As an adult, I've attracted people who see that I tend to meet others' needs and have some need that they can use me for. A few years ago, I burned out so bad on this that I started letting relationships go by the boards. It just stopped being worth it to me. So I'm alone more now, which I don't really recommend. I just got sick of the acquaintances that were coming to me with their needs. I'm still up to my ears in caretaking resonsibilities that I took on for my sickly boyfriend. Lately, I've been wishing I could just fall asleep and not wake up.

Your situation with this guy who wakes you in the morning to bring him food sounds very dispiriting. Do you consider him a boyfriend/lover? Being involved with him might be creating an impediment to you finding someone who would reciprocate more. If the relationship is not an intimate one, then maybe you could be a little less available to hop up to do for him. He's not going to pick up on any hints. Coming out and saying "No" to him might not have the dire consequences that you imagine, which I gather is that you fear he will drop his connection with you altogether. You are paying too high of a price for what you are getting, but I realize that you do know that already.