See my mom is equally shunning and loving me battling internal conflict from her own issues over loving her children when they need it the most. See I forgive her because she's aware and remorseful, but I coach her to change the behavior and move forward with positives and you'll shall earn a kingdom. I learned that as a young boy in therapy. She beats herself up for being worthless her parents disowned her and my opinion not my true belief is from word of mouth from my father her parents and herself. She rebelled didn't take no responsibility and let bad things happen to deal with it after it went wrong forcing unnecessary suffering that could of easily been avoided.

My mom brags how she doesn't drink and smoke and a month ago my dad mentioned in full explicit detail it's a lie. All of it, I wasn't surprised but shocked.
Then it hit me, she's a damaged grown up child and I've known this before and it still none of it surprises me, but I thought her half manipulative narcissism side with her damaged child side is all she is and she lacked any emotion to love me.

From what I mentioned to the hell I endured she blamed herself for my rape and beating and mutilation and being held captive as a young boy. She holds it clings to it like it's her badge of shame on her wall of misfortunes. When she didn't rape me my four different perpetrators' did. Yes a few things she had full responsibly to help me and yes it sucks, but she didn't do that. She's a damn good mother and person and ill protect my mother from herself she seemed more obvious she maybe suicidal I'm concerned loosing my mother. She's my last hope and yes this mindset seems a train wreck waiting to happen but I have no other connections to keep me away.

I've worked so hard to change it, but it's not successful at all.
I have had everything taken from me at sine point or another but she's all I got. That's all I can say for that.