I recognize wanting something fixable. My T is always going on about the difference between passive treatment (meds, ECT) and active treatment (actually changing your life/lifestyle in the hopes that that lessens your problems). Passive treatment is far easier because you don't have to do much. I'd trade my depression for an addiction every day, because then I 'only' have to quit taking X in order to recover. What I have now, depression and PTSD, just isn't fixable. (Not through active and not through passive treatment, I outlined the difference because you actually say "having others fix me") I'd trade my depression for a severe physical illness (I'm not giving an example because I don't want to offend/minimize the suffering of people who have that illness) any time, because then at least the problem is apparent and the solution (or lack thereof) is apparent. I'm so tired. I'd love for someone to walk in and fix me. I'd love to only have to fight something external (be it drugs, hallucinations, a physical illness, or whatever) instead of having to fight with a part of myself.

In other words: I think what you're experiencing is totally understandable.