I had a drinking problem which sprouted from trying to self medicate for certain anxieties. I only drank alone to begin with, and nobody saw it. A year into the problem I had to move back to living with my parents after my brother surprise visited me and found my bins full of empty bottles. The extent of the problem wasn't fully evident though.

After I moved in with my family my drinking got very bad and I became extremely depressed because now other people were seeing it. About 4 months in was when I began having incredibly disgusting alcohol fueled outbursts where I'd call anyone or anything every name under the sun. At some point I'd fall over myself down the hallway half naked and just in general be scum of the earth to everyone. With just about zero knowledge of what happened in the morning most times. It'd be a complete blackout.

Things were like that for a few months. Even though the episodes were much fewer it really only too the once for me to hate myself.
I started to drink less, my liver was already beginning to give up the ghost so it's probably no surprise. The taste of booze incurred an almost instant vomit response, to get plastered was becoming very difficult. So that probably helped in stopping. Either way I couldn't stay with my family, I couldn't face them for what I had done to them and to myself. So I'm on my own again.

Nobody I knew before all of this happened can look at me the same anymore. I've really messed up my life. I never had a big social circle to begin with. I was always a very shy and polite girl, believe it or not. I never drank before. I'm 21 now. If I could just erase that year with my family. I'd take it all back and forfeit the rest of my life just to know I didn't hurt them like I did.

I could care less for drinking now, I used to buy into that cycle of trying to drink to escape the shame now that I'm by myself again and it won't hurt anyone else, but it's not working anymore. Every day my head feels heavy and I just regret regret regret for every moment. I don't even know how to begin to make this right. I've been hurt badly in my life by other people but it feels like nothing compared to how much I've hurt myself by hurting others.

I don't know why, my mum still loves me, but I'm struggling to live with the shame. I'm a thousand times worse off than before I started to drink and I'd give anything for things to be how they used to. I made a mess of everything and I don't know what to do.