Hi!

Help!

I didn't know if I should write in the school forum or this one. I am a graduate student on leave of absence from my work. I am not your traditional student in that I am 45.

In the fall of 2014 I started a very exciting graduate program in the environmental field, it is called International Ecology. For years I had dreamt of going back to school to complete my master's degree. I like taking classes and learning!

I had an excellent job with the Federal government in Canada, but things started to go very badly at work, I started losing interest after about 8 years at the same job. I started to burn out. I just wanted out but enjoyed the security of the job. But work was starting to make me feel depressed. I had no idea how to get out of it until there was a round of cuts making many of our positions redundant. I volunteered to have my position cut because it meant I could go on two years of leave of absence with a large package and a generous grant from my employer. At the end of two years I am put on a priority list so hopefully there is going to be a position for me somewhere.

Here is the deal: My first semester of my M.Sc. was exciting. I got straight As. It was stimulating. My second semester consisted of doing a semester in Mexico. It was ok, but my marks weren't as good. I got A-s , Bs and B+. It was ok...but, the reason I started to get lesser marks is because I lost interest, I lost energy, I just...was no longer happy.

Now I am doing an internship in Chile, I have been here for a month. The whole time I have been having panic attacks. This never happens to me..it has never happened to me.

I am handing assignments half-done and not on time. I don't understand anything (I am fluent in Spanish and know Chilean expressions very well, so it isn't that.).

That isn't me. I pride myself in being professional.

I think I am burning out.

To be honest with you, here is also a bit of what has happened in the past 5 years:

1. Bad break up...I mean bad one, worse one of my life. (2009)
2. My parents business went under leaving them with very little retirement funds...they were 65 when this happened.(2010)
3. A brother with severe depression(2010-2013)
4. A move to another city for a one-year secondment...I came back to my city after that. (2013-2014)
5. My maternal grandparents died within two months of one another.(2014)
6. My mother got diagnosed with cancer of the bladder (2014), thankfully the tumor was removed but she has to go through scans every three months and it was found that her spleen is enlarged.
7. My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two weeks after she had her tumour removed and he had months to live. He died May 17th, 2014.

My internship started May 17th, 2015.

My supervisor here in Chile is amazing...but he is so much like my ex boyfriend it is incredible. He teases me relentlessly and in the beginning was even somewhat flirty with me. I don't want to go there even though I have developed a crush on him. He's hot, he really is quite hot.

I was once a happy person, now, this M.Sc. is making me panic and lose sleep. I am 45 years old, my career is super important to me, I have tons of friends, but now, man...I want to pack up and go home.

I don't know...when I was packing for this internship I was panicking as well. I had three weeks between Mexico and Chile and I didn't have a chance to rest, I became a procrastinator in my work.

I guess I would like some advice or support on my decision to take a year off from this program..from everything.

I don't have all the time in the world anymore...I don't want to be on that work priority list and miss a job opportunity because I have deferred my schooling for a year (and the way this program works, that is the way it would be...I wouldn't be able to get another internship until next May).

I do want this M.Sc....I am just exhausted. I am burned out. I want to cut myself. I never have before in my life...I used to be so together. I'm a mess who drinks too much beer.

I want to send an e-mail to my program coordinator to tell h
er that...

Help...