I really can't see past the fact she probably isn't as nice as she is in sessions. She has a life, and has her own flaws outside of the room. There is, SO MUCH more I'm missing and not seeing outside of the 10x10 ft room we sit in. A whole world full of information and truth, and other parts of her, that I don't see or ever will. But I know it's there.

And I can't see past that, if the therapeutic relationship wasn't there, she wouldn't care at all. She wouldn't know me. But it is not the how, but the why we met. Why do I care so much. I've seen her for nearly 5 years and I STILL CARE. I'm upset that I'm getting better and I won't need her anymore eventually, and I know once it comes it won't matter to me at that point but it hasn't come, and I don't want it to. Because if I really do want to let go at some point, then life really is just that impersonal. That's a very unsettling concept for me.

This is really depressing. I just wanted to know the why about my transference, which was helpful at first. Now I know too much and have analyzed too much. The truth hurts. I wish I was ignorant about it again. I feel silly and emotional while everyone else is stable and can go through without this level of attachment. I really ****ing hate this.

I'm sorry I'm ranting !!!

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